Coming Back..... warning Trigger possible

 So this is a recent email to S we were having a discussion about truly being happy or "faking"  I am not a supporter of the fake it until you make it theory. I don't believe it happens that way at all. I believe that faking only produces more faking. I want to be real.  Anyway I am coming back to blogging after a hiatus. Mostly because I have been unsure of what I want this blog to be. I also have been pretty ill.  I want to share my experiences clearly and fully so here is my first entry on the journey. Where to ? I'm not entirely sure.

 I'm hesitant to share this because, I don't want to take away from the skill use and mastery that I have achieved. I'm afraid not just of happiness. I'm terrified that while I look and can act appropriate, that my ineffectiveness will be over looked.  I can always laugh and make jokes. I'm full of interesting tidbits.  Mostly it is all bull shit that I have learned over a lifetime.  I have learned to smile through insurmountable pain. I have learned to laugh and lie all while hating who and what I am. I have learned to cover scars, cuts, burns and bruises. Because that is not what people like to hear. I have always been what other people wanted or needed.  I learned at a very young age that no matter what the pain you stand up brush it off and go on. Because there is always ALWAYS someone worse off than you.  I was taught that I am not just insignificant. But that I will always be unheard. That crying out only brings more pain. That talking about the darkness can bring death. I was groomed and taught to put on a smile because this world doesn't give a shit about what has happened to you. It only cares what you can do for it. I was taught that selfishness is an ultimate sin. Everything I do I do to keep my selfishness in check.  Even in the most desperate of times be it cancer,coma, rape, or flashback.  Anyone can get me to smile. Because I have learned my lesson well. I understand and I can even take into my heart that I have made some progress that I'm feel like I'm coping a bit better.  I will continue to work not because my past or present tells me it gets better ( because for me it tends to get worse) But because my belief is that one day I will get to rest. That somewhere somehow this pain will leave me in peace. I do not believe in "fake it  til you make it". I think that is a fallacy. Because I am fake, and all I have accomplished is fake. That I am still a little girl laying gang raped and alone on a floor. Because people always tell me. Brush it off, smile, your life is not hard, it could be worse you could have been born in Africa, lymphoma isn't that bad. You could have breast cancer.  Hey being sexually abused happens to lots of people and they're happy.  What's wrong with you??  I am so fake that I say all of it to myself. Then I tell it to everyone. All I have made is a mess.  I don't understand how people can say to me that I have all the reasons to be happy.  I am nothing. I am no one. I don't even recognize my own face. I can be happy because there is not even a me. I know that makes no sense.  I wish I could explain it.  Please help me not to give up on me.  I don't know where I lost my soul. I hope that I can find it. I hope that this is what this journey is about. I have to find out. I have to try.  I'm learning slowly that I can use skills to make living easier. That does make me happy. I am learning that this body is really mine not something for the world to use. I hate it. I hate that it is diseased, and disgusting. I hate that I can't abuse it in to submission. No matter how I try. I hate that starving, purging, cutting, and destroying makes me feel so good. Yes, I want to change all of this. I want to accept that being abused over and over is not my fault. I don't really see that because I'm pretty much the only common factor.. But oh well. Sorry I don't really know when this became a novel. It's just how I feel.