Possible ?.....

How is it possible, that as of right now I am sitting with my calorie count at 737 and I am feeling so lost so guilty and so so so afraid? I don't know. I don't know, I have no fucking clue. I am, of course, hugely triggered. I am lying,(laying,) on the floor of my grand parents home. They have lived here all of my life. As well as all of my mother's life. The problem is that while I have always loved being here in this quiet home. I have never, never, felt uneasy as I do this time. Why? Well because my uncle who has always been huge, both physically and emotionally has shrunk. Shrunk due to the fact that he had a Gastric bypass 8 months ago. It feels so haunted here. As if there is a ghost of this fun loving smiling person, who had so much. So much gusto, for life for, food and for experience. Now he is gaunt, drawn, quiet. He is starving. Now I know that so many people have experienced this horror as they watch us,(you know us as in the worshipers of Ana, Mia, ED). I am watching this unfold. I have never thought of it before. Here is the rub. I hate it. I want to be the whose flesh is disappearing, who,s light is fading before all of those eyes. I want to turn and walk away with only the though of, "I am so thin" in my head. I am envious that a person (namely my uncle),can walk into a hospital have his stomach sewn shut and everyone in my family applauds the "hard work" "determination", and "great sacrifice". I on the other hand, restrict, count, subtract, purge, obsessively exercise, lose a shit load of body weight, but I am sick. I have to go to treatment. I have to be "brainwashed" by therapists, dietitians, and doctors. I have to stop. I am still obese, still heavy, still, still, still. Yes I am whining. Someone PLEASE explain this. How is this possible.

Realizations

Another missed opportunity down the drain, My therapist suggested a possible career change free of charge. I like the fool that I can be, waited until after the close date. Admittedly I have been dealing with this whole shingles debacle. My hands still work though, bah oh well cest la vie, kay sera as they say. Let’s just say that this has not been my finest week. I have been near paralyzed by gripping fear that my waist, butt, arms, thighs and stomach, have been secretly sneaking ding dongs, while I sleep. Only to realize as I put my jeans on this morning that I have maybe, possibly, that my restricting is getting out of hand. This realization was fleeting though, because almost as instantaneously that sweet sweet voice told me “That feels good doesn’t it. Putting on your pants and having to roll them. I told you that food was poison”. Damn her, but alas she is right. So, the war continues. I will continue to restrict and suppress my intuitive self (ha, yeah right), okay, the intuitive self I was trying to foster. In the hopes that this time with help from Ana I might be able to find the identity that I lack.

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BE QUIET, SHUT UP YOUR SO LOUD

I have been told I am too loud. I have been told my voice is too loud. People have told me to stop screaming, yelling, crying,  arguing and laughing. I have been asked if I always talk so loud.  I get it people. I make your ears hurt. Maybe I make you all uncomfortable. I get that too.  Here is the truth I don't want to be quiet. I want to scream, yell, argue, and laugh. I even want to fart really loud.  My new T Wilkie  asked me why people in my life tell me to shush. I told her I don't know.  I honestly don't know. It could be that I know a lot and they don't want to hear it. (hmm, no probably not.) Maybe they have very sensitive ears. (again, unlikely.) Perhaps it is because I feel like nobody listens. ( ding, ding, ding.) I hate feeling like this truly I do. I do not always want to listen sometimes I want to be heard.

Mania hits

Hey diddily do all of you,
Sorry super weird mood everyone. Okay so i am feeling out of sorts. I am relapsing I will say it again RELAPSING. Hoo fucking ray.  So we all know that the holidays are hard for us ED girls and guys. I am no different. I am also going through a therapist change and have no one to talk to about it.  I am back to purging purging purging. I don't care either. In fact I love it it makes me feel so empowered. I know that most likely has to do with trauma therapy stopping and not finishing it.  Thanks E-dog.  Woo hoo this is crazy time so pro Ana today and a bit manic sorry

roomie troubles

I have a problem. All right admittedly, I have more than one but this problem is tops on my list for this week. Before I begin I just have to say I am in love with the show new girl I absolutely L O V E it.  So, back to the problem. My beloved roomie Tree, wrecked her car. Now it was not her fault at all in fact she is lucky to make it out. However, now my car is the only vehicle or so it seems... My dad does not emphatically does not want her driving my car. She knows this and she continually relies on my need for acceptance and my continual reluctant doormat status to use it.  After she has seen me as an emotional wreck. I don't get it. I do not know what to do.

Rant, rant rant

Okay, so here's the thing.  I absolutely absolutely can NOT stand mean people. I don't care if your meanieness is directed at me, someone I love, or someone I hate.  I have had enough hate and contempt in my life to last 45 lifetimes.  I have decided that if some folks feel that they can spread their disillusioned selves through hateful words violence or just plain looks then I have something to say.  First to the douchebag of a pastor who told the entire world that LDS people are not christians I say that I hope to holy batman you never find yourself in need of the power of the priesthood which followers of "mormonism" hold. I absolutely Know That as a follower of christ that you are spreading hate simply because your definition of christianity is very narrow.  Second, for  the bullies of the world FUCK YOU. I understand that you have horrid self image, that you have suffered great abuse and trauma yourselves. this being said grow up we all have to live here and if you think that you deserve more air because you hit harder, yell louder, and get more angry. You are seriously mistakin. If you are a child then I hope someone comes to love you enough to right your behavior.  To all of you who discriminate out of fear I am truly sorry that your mind is overcome by fear, you take it out on someone else. If however you are ignorent then WAKE UP, read a book, get an education. All right rant done. AND Scene

Biggest Loser Or ED

So, I want to know if The biggest loser triggers anyone else??? Don't get me wrong I love this show I mean who wouldn't. However If I lost 70 pounds in 3 weeks I would find myself in treatment so fast. Now I realize that this show is done under seriously controlled circumstances. I also know that I have an eating disorder. I am seriously wondering how many of these contestants develop one. I have to say that when I was exercising 6 hours a day and eating restricted calories I did lose a Shit load of weight.  I am wondering why for me it is an eating disorder and for these particular people it is healthy. I know what your going to say. "Well these people have a lot of weight to lose." Yes but so do I but, Granola would have my ass at the fat you up hotel soooo quick, It wouldn't matter how happy and successful I felt. That is all.

Aging?????

This past week I have felt my age in full force. Granted I am not old, but I feel for the first time all that I have lost. I am seeing for the first time how little I have to show for my 36 years. I have often felt very young. Sort of arrested, like my development stopped at a young age. I have certainly suffered from Peter Pan syndrome. Suddenly,however I am seeing very clear.  I grieve for the young girl I was. I also am at a loss as what to do. I wish that I had so many things so my plan is to go out and get them. I have no idea where to start. However I will begin with prayer.

Holy Car Adventure

This post goes out to Nate the Tow-truck man. Nate came to the rescue at 12:30 am on sunday morning.Tree and I were stuck at the cheese and after trying to bleed some life into the battery, he towed us home. Thanks Nate

Failure heaping failure

How is it possible that I can fail any more. My life is in the toilet. How can I get any worse I purged my dinner because I can't deal with the joy of all the people in my life. 1 she has such a perfect family I am just poor fat Clarissa. I walk away and no one says good-bye no one says hello how is it that I am so invisible. Well I can do that I can not eat I can purge when they make me. I can become so invisible they won't see me.

I wonder how long it will take to die

Holy binge day batman

So yesterday I binged like LMAO it was like that song Food glorious food, ( yes Oliver! is one of my favorite musicals). Any-who today got on the scale 3 lbs down yes three !!! can we say assbackward.  Tree did not come home yesterday so me thinks she is in for another long stay at the fat you up hotel. I am super sorry for her but she could use a little meat around them clanking bones. She will however come home and tell me she is sooooo fat. I hate that it makes me feel like a hippo. I know that she feels like one too, but tree I gotta tell ya, you look damn good to me.  Me on the other hand I could stand to lose a few hundred kiloton.

FML

damn therapist doesn't know me at all she thinks my ultimate desire is a husband I am chocking on the force feeding of normalcy. I think Hot mess Hair is out of her fecking mind. I need to talk about fears and what happens when my fear makes me want to slit my own throat. She needs so serious education on eating disorder and the real world I do not know how much more god is the answer bullshit I am holy shit mad but I purged twice today breakfast an lunch and to all my med. I am going to have to educate her big time and frankly it is not my job. done rant and scene. she tells me all the time your beautiful blah blah oh how can I stand her

Trauma work

Hello Ed, Goodbye Me..( jenny schafer would have a hay day). Oh well, so here we go, I am back to praying to the porcelain goddess. Yes I hate myself, but can I stop it no.  Here is a better question. Do I want to ??? Don't ask.
I had a dream the other night. It could have been a memory. I remember so much, so much that I had forgotten.  I am starting over with the trauma work. I am so confused, what is real what is not. hiding in the attic waiting for him to come, running from the others, remembering the teachers the touching. So here I go down the trauma road hand in hand with my good friend EDNOS.