Name Change????

I need to rename this blog so... I'm thinking something more catchy and less depressing. Ok so This Blog is officially under construction.


Seeds of doubt

 So here we are again.  Friday. I hate Friday. I'm usually alone. I'm remembering. I hate feelings. I hate memories. I tried so hard to forget. They refuse to stay buried. 
      I had an experience this last month with members of my family telling me that my mind is playing tricks on me. I hope. It would be so nice to be able to say I made this all up. That I do not remember being raped. I don't remember being tied down and violated. I made it all up. That my family was there at all times protecting me. I am so relieved to know that I was safe. I'm super grateful that the feelings of self hate, disgust and shame are all pretend. That all the times I was cut myself up. That whenever I shove my fingers down my gullet, or fast for days on end. That really that was all in vain. What a crock of shit. They were not there.  They did not come when I screamed. They did not protect me. I do Hate myself. I feel disgust and shame. Huge amounts of it. The physical scars, not just my self inflicted ones. They are real. I taught myself to forget. I taught myself to be nothing.  Nothing. 
   I want to disappear. I want to fade away. 
 I am discovering that I never really grew up.
I just grew layers of shame.  I grew inches of solid black around my heart. I locked up my childhood in a prison of filth. I forced that small child to carry all of her pain in silence. I hated her too. She never ran fast enough. She was never quiet enough. I am still doing it. I'm supposed to be an adult. I would never hurt a child. I would never force a little girl to carry a heart full of pain and abuse alone. I would never starve a child.  How could they make me. Why didn't they see? Where were they? They still want me to carry it alone. How? How do I carry something that almost killed me the first time? I'm so full of doubt. I'm still here somewhere right?????