hey, i got sumthin to say

Here is my problem. I feel lonely. I feel ignored. I feel fat. Fat with emotions that I can't seem to handle, let alone control. I have so much to be grateful for. I have so much to love. Here is the thing. I have so much to say.  I feel like I want to start screaming and never stop. I feel so completely alone. I think that is why I have relapsed. I need to quiet that screaming. I need to silence all the words, swirling in my mind.
What I want is to tell. To bitch and moan, I want to be mean and hateful. I want to be angry.
So since no one ever reads this blog I will say it here.
Stone, I am so mad that you think that that I am the one that needs to do everything to keep this friendship alive. I feel used and unsupported by you. I feel like you think that having a friends means the have to do every thing to support you with nothing in return. 
Tree, What can I say. I feel used. I feel second citizen. 
momma, I hate that you make me grovel. I hate that you think I have no needs. I can't stand that you can't put the fuck computer down and talk to me. You asked me to come over. I hate that I need you so much.
Daddy-o I am so sorry I was born and that I turned out to be such a failure. I hate myself enough for us both.
E-dog I blame you for leaving me in such a mess. I am so sad.
That is enough for now. I feel so ashamed sorry everyone.



I know that Granola is trying to help, I get it, I do. The thing is that I don't know if I want her help. It feels so, so, so good to step on the scale, and see the number fall. I know that women and men everywhere agree with me. I also know that I am a bit obsessive. Just a bit. I tend to be extremist instead of moderate in behavior. Hence, DBT therapy. I wish that my mind could see my ineffective actions. I wish it would say, "slow down there, sparky. Slow it down." I can't, in fact I wouldn't even know where to start. So I have come to the conclusion that I will keep my team informed. I will try to be as honest about what I am thinking, feeling, sensing, and understanding. Try being the key word there. So, ana, Ed, and Ednos, buckle up. Life is about to get bumpy.


I Am Sorry

I am sorry, sorry,sorry.  I hate that I can’t control my emotions. I don’t know how to be the person anyone wants to have around. I know how to be needed. I know how to make them all disappear. I don’t know how to be strong. I don’t know how to be honest. I don’t know how to ask. I am sorry. I am so confused. I am so lonely. I want to be forgiven. I want to be good. I want to disapper. I want to be real. I am sorry.  I don’t mean to make it worse. I don’t mean to ineffective.  I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.  I am a coward. I am wrong. I am sorry