Here is the thing, my personality is all of those things. I am loud, I am hungry, I am nosey, I am definitely whiny at times. Yet here I am in my thirties, and all someone has to say is that phrase. You're too... I wish I knew how to stop being. Too
When I was in elementary school. I remember learning the grammatical differences , of the words two, too, and to. Ever since I struggled with my pencil on that cheap schoolhouse paper. (you know the kind that rips when you try to erase it.) I have been plagued by the word too. We all know that when using too in a sentence. It means more, bigger, and more than one. (Okay, I know that there are other instances for it and all.) This is the form I am talking about. Whenever I think about learning what it meant, and how it is used, I have images of my third grade teacher drawing on the black board. Two over sized OOs, I hear her say" always use two fat Os because this word means too much" I can see this day so clearly in my head, which for me is a big deal because there is so much that I can't remember from this time. Yes I am rambling, get over it. I remember thinking in my head "Oh, wow now I get it." I know. I know. Get what? you ask. Well I will tell you. My whole life has been. "Clar, you're being too loud." "Sweetie, you're laughing too much." "Riss, you're eating too much." "Clarissa, you're too fat." "You breathe too loud" We all know that junior high is hell. Every day I was too something. I was too dirty, too loud, too dramatic, too big, too whiny, too, too, too... On and on until I am cowed in a corner, silent.
So, I was perusing the web. I came across a photo project called Project Unbreakable. This young woman,[Grace] has taken it upon herself to give survivors of sexual assault/abuse back words. It can be words the perpetrator used against them (us), or words they (us) have used against themselves. I loved it. It is beautiful, empowering, and courageous. These women and men, are taking back so many words. I myself, have taken all those words that were used to, berate, degrade, humiliate, and ultimately destroy me. All of these words I turned inside. Using them as weapons to keep myself in line. I am not in a place where I can declare myself healed or even remotely able to declare I am strong. I hate myself. There I said it I hate, hate, hate myself. I wish all of these survivors peace, and power. I also want to say To this young woman. "You are an amazing, young woman, thanks.
Okay so today is not a good day. I can feel my anger and emotions bubbling, boiling inside of me. I have horrible anger. It seems to be a default emotion. I hate hate being trapped without some kind of outlet. I am e.d. triggered, and feeling horribly full, fat with negativity. How is it possible that a quiet week has turned into feeling bitter and rage filled. I will tell you how. Too much time to remember how much I hate myself. How much I wish I could disappear. How much being me bothers me. I do not want to become my grandmother and my mother. I hate that I come from a family of complete and utter emotional imbeciles. I hate just sitting in one spot day after day. I am afraid of becoming old of losing my mind. I wish that I could run.