stream of consciousness

Hey all,
Ok anyone who reads this. Today is Sunday January something.  I'm currently debating going to church. Do I go. do I not? hmm. I still have time to decide.  I am home alone. no fam around. no friends. Just me and the meow. Who am I kidding? I don't have any friends.  Ok so this week went as such. Monday, Dr Sperry, EMDR I really felt like I wasn't even in the room. I wanted to deal with a thought about hurting myself and that I should only feel pain. It didn't work. I felt so far away and empty. Tuesday I cleaned my room. If you knew me you would know how much of a mastery skill that is for me. Wednesday, Wilkie, stupid sometimes therapy is pointless and accomplishes zero.  Thursday I slept all day. I also got in a fight with my mother. Friday dietary, Granola tried to convince me that I am the one making my choices and that I can recover period. If I want.... She also tried to convince me The ED lady knows what she is talking about (Frankly I think JS is full of BS) I also died my hair.  Saturday I ran errands with stoneface. I also spent three nights driving aimlessly around my fast food infested town trying to convince myself that I could eat something. I needed to eat anything. That I deserved to spend a bit of money taking care of my needs/wants.  I failed.  I failed at this week. I didn't accomplish anything. So now its sunday. Church would be my best bet. Sacrament meeting at least. Except now my damn meds are kicking in. So I am going back to bed with my puke bowl, diet sprite and heating pad.  Autoimmune autonomic Failure/POTS and Mental health illness do not play well together. In fact they hate me and each other.. Why do I refer to my illness and body as separate enemies. I have a serious depersonalization disorder.  I am all ONE person, ONE body.  Sheesh Riss, pull your shit together.  You need some kind of intervention. I am wondering if I am present? Blogging while dissociated is new for me. I should probably erase this but I won't because that's what this new year is about. honesty.  Being honest with myself, my team, and you all the world.  I am however going to stop. I will come back later.


Write it down??

This Holiday season has been good, it has been bad.  Mostly It has been hard.  I have told all of the internet world that I am in trauma recovery.  I am in intense EMDR/ trauma processing therapy.  I am also in stage 2 DBT therapy for my general mental health, (or rather a lack there of.)  I have recently come to the conclusion that I am pretty much nothing. I deserve nothing. I have nothing to offer. I am floating through this life trying to convince others of my worth. How can I convince them of my worth when I have none?  Is this the reason I have been seeking therapy? Is it even possible to rehabilitate a nothing? I am starting to wonder.  I have often said that I believe that all people are important, that all have a story worth sharing. The thing is I meant everyone else. I have never considered myself worthy. So many people ask me why. Why, Rissa? Why are you the exception to the rule?
        Here is my answer. I'm not. I'm not special, talented, or smart. I'm not beautiful, thin, or healthy. I can't play a sport, an instrument, or poker. I don't cook, clean, raise children or work. I don't contribute to the society I live in. I am not really even trying. I am lost, sad, and lonely.  I'm angry, sarcastic, and judgmental. I have never accomplished any thing of any importance. In fact most of my life I have hidden in a dark hole. I wonder though if I'm alone.
      How can other people look at me and tell me the opposite to all of these adjectives ?  I am also completely clueless.  The problem with all of this is.  Though I feel this deep in my soul.  I have a equally deep, but opposing belief.  I believe in god. I have faith that Jesus Christ died for not just my sin, but my suffering. I have an unwavering belief in the love of my savior. I feel his love. I want more than anything to be worthy of this blessing.  I can not yet reconcile these two parts of me. I am so far from perfect. I am so far from feeling worth in anyway.  I am hoping that  I can find where I got lost. That if I can find where I left who I should have been. I may be able to become who I am supposed to be.
     My therapists Dr Sperry and Wilkie, have asked that I think about writing down what I remember, and process so that the secrets come into the light.  I don't know how or when that will occur. I am thinking about it though.
      This is your invitation to join this hike into the land of disturbed.  Again I am giving myself way too much credit. So in honor of this walk into the honesty forrest. The first rock(okay, it's a boulder) that I have stubbed my proverbial toe on is this.  I am terrified.