When I was a kid we used to chant this stupid little rhyme about the weather.
Rain, rain, go away.
Come again another day.
It has so many versions, different people use it in songs. It came to me last night that it is something I used to say to myself to dissociate but it went like this. Brain Brain, go away. don't come back today. I must have used this chant quite a bit because while trying to distract my self from the pain in my face. I could hear myself chanting pain pain go away. I can not deal with you today. Over and over in my head. when suddenly it changed to the little brain rhyme. I wonder how often I chanted away my brain? My face feels like it might explode. I'm wondering about pulling my tooth out with a pair of pliers. I am fantasizing about shoving a knitting needle into my ear. Anything to get some proper pain relief. So no, I will just take more fucking drugs. They can't be any worse right? maybe if I drug myself into an oblivion I won't have to eat. I won't have to munch. I can just be empty. empty minded empty souled.
Tomorrow I begin to see the trauma doc regularly. I hope he can help me because I can't shut it off. I can't make my brain go away lately and I used to be pretty damn good at that trick. Good lord what is happening to me