12/05/2013

Feeling Feels blech.....

Okay. So Daily Grace is one of my new favorite youtbers.  She is teaching me to cook. Yeah so shout out there. All righty down to business. I am in a confusing, odd duckish, emo place, right now. I have told all of you folks that stop by here. (Yes, I know nobody stops here) So, maybe I'm talking to all of my crazy mofo personalities. Wow, could this get anymore stream of consious off topic dumb? Yep I'm sure it can.
       So yes, I started EMDR. I fucking hate it. It sucks. I am wondering if stiring the witches cauldron of feels that I have been avoiding since my "trauma" officially stopped, is worth it.  Having said that I by no means want to give the impression that the cauldron hasn't been a roiling boil since then. I just avoided it more effectively with ineffective behaviors. Wow,  that sounds crazy.  I don't understand why it is so important to deal with it. Is than not what life is? Do we as humans ever not have to deal with it. Whatever it maybe. So I deal with feeling sad, shame, guilt, fear, and all other feel adverbs/adjectives by starving, puking, cutting, dissociating, sarcasm, and incongruent facial expressions. Why is that bad? Why is hurting myself not okay? I get that it's different. I can understand that my actions frighten others. Well, their crying, wailing, apologizing, and communication. Freak me out.  So can we just agree that these weird feelers god or mother nature( whoever/however you got here.) gave us are stupid?  I can say with my brain that I was raped, abused, tortured, brutalized, and all those horrifying things that so many people endure in this world. My brain gets it. I remember. It is not a secret. So, how do I convince the screaming child deep in my heart that it is OVER. Stop yelling! Just stop please, please, pretty please. Please, take your secrets, pain and memories and move out. Leave me alone. This body is not yours anymore. You died. They killed you over and over again. You became me. I know this is not who you wanted to be. I get it. However, making me crazy is doing either of us any good. Furthermore, taking away my voice these last few months, is hurting us both. We are the same. I am you. You were me. Maybe you still are me, is that why you scream? Why don't you have any words. Where are your words? I hate you and your feelings. I can understand words and ideas. You have none. I want to feel peace, joy, love, humor. I want to remember feeling loved and wanted. I want to remember christmas and my birthdays. Where are those memories? You are just pain. You are hate. You are horror. You are reality.  I feel only confusion.
That is all that comes to mind after my first EMDR session. In other contradictory news. I got my Temple date, January 2, 2014 I will be an endowed member of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know most people are weirded out by mormons. If you weren't weirded out before now this should be a tiny wierd. For some people it is a deal breaker though. So if that is you. That's cool no hard feelings here. No Judgment either, Just because something works for one doesn't mean it works for all. The reason I brought it up though is because in making this commitment and covenant with My Father in heaven is on the flip side of this coin.  The feeling that goes with it is excitement, self worth, and mastery. How do I reconcile feelings? Good, bad, ugly or amazing.