1/19/2014

stream of consciousness

Hey all,
Ok anyone who reads this. Today is Sunday January something.  I'm currently debating going to church. Do I go. do I not? hmm. I still have time to decide.  I am home alone. no fam around. no friends. Just me and the meow. Who am I kidding? I don't have any friends.  Ok so this week went as such. Monday, Dr Sperry, EMDR I really felt like I wasn't even in the room. I wanted to deal with a thought about hurting myself and that I should only feel pain. It didn't work. I felt so far away and empty. Tuesday I cleaned my room. If you knew me you would know how much of a mastery skill that is for me. Wednesday, Wilkie, stupid sometimes therapy is pointless and accomplishes zero.  Thursday I slept all day. I also got in a fight with my mother. Friday dietary, Granola tried to convince me that I am the one making my choices and that I can recover period. If I want.... She also tried to convince me The ED lady knows what she is talking about (Frankly I think JS is full of BS) I also died my hair.  Saturday I ran errands with stoneface. I also spent three nights driving aimlessly around my fast food infested town trying to convince myself that I could eat something. I needed to eat anything. That I deserved to spend a bit of money taking care of my needs/wants.  I failed.  I failed at this week. I didn't accomplish anything. So now its sunday. Church would be my best bet. Sacrament meeting at least. Except now my damn meds are kicking in. So I am going back to bed with my puke bowl, diet sprite and heating pad.  Autoimmune autonomic Failure/POTS and Mental health illness do not play well together. In fact they hate me and each other.. Why do I refer to my illness and body as separate enemies. I have a serious depersonalization disorder.  I am all ONE person, ONE body.  Sheesh Riss, pull your shit together.  You need some kind of intervention. I am wondering if I am present? Blogging while dissociated is new for me. I should probably erase this but I won't because that's what this new year is about. honesty.  Being honest with myself, my team, and you all the world.  I am however going to stop. I will come back later.