9/14/2013

Baby Steps??????

 

I hope you're right. The new T is okay. I think I spilled a little too much. I am starting to doubt myself. I'm wondering if it's possible to truly have lived my life.  Is it conceivable to have lived the life I have and still be alive?  I wonder if some people survive through sheer proof that we humans are in products of god. So, that god can say, " do you see? I am here. Aware of all of you.  You did not climb from ooze." 
   I am in no way saying that my existence is more deserving of god's proof. Oh, fuck it maybe I am. I have just noticed that when I talk people's eyebrows start to climb towards their scalp. 
"oh, sure, sure you survived cancer. You were in a coma ?? How many people sexually abused you??? Wait you have what kind of illness. trigeminal neuralgia? no that's not possible. You have autonomic neuropathy too. Sweetie, I'm pretty sure you're fucking delusional." Yes, I know.  I have never even thought about how much I have done that to other people.  I'm sorry about that. I get it now. 
  I asked the new T what the pros to EMDR are. He said things like, it's fast, its not triggering (as much), you stay grounded. Then he said that the processing happens on the inside.  Whaaaa ??? Hang on. I'm pretty sure the whole reason why I'm in a shit storm right now is because I can not process this inside my head.  I need to talk about it. I need to tell. I need to tell more than" oh hey I was sexually abused."  I have tried that move on fast bullshit. The whole "R, we don't need all the minutiae." " Can't we talk about something else?"  
  Now, I do not want to talk about everything. I do not need to describe every tiny detail. I do need to get some history straight. I do want  to say hey fuckers that douche bag raped me.  Maybe that's wrong. Maybe the platform for that discussion has disappeared. I don't care.  I DON'T CARE got it.  I don't  I wish I had the words before but I didn't. I do now.  I am hoping that is a step in the right direction. I hope that is my first step. I am pretty sure I have taken many first steps in the wrong direction. I don't really know how much more I have.