9/01/2013

Bad week



I was so unique 
Now I feel skin deep 
I count on the make-up to cover it all 
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention 
I thought I could be strong 
But it's killing me 

Does someone hear my cry? 
I'm dying for new life 

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful 
Make you stand in awe 
Look inside my heart, 
and be amazed 
I want to hear you say 
Who I am is quite enough 
Just want to be worthy of love 
And beautiful 

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me 
Fighting to make the mirror happy 
Trying to find whatever is missing 
Won't you help me back to glory 

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful 
You make me stand in awe 
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed 
I love to hear You say 
Who I am is quite enough 
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I was trying so hard to be more consistent in writing.  My life feels like it has been put on hold this past couple of weeks.  Okay, my life has been put on hold for years.  I'll just say its been pretty crappy.  
     I don't know very much about the spectrum of dissociation disorders. I do not even know if there is one.  I do know that I have struggled with it in the past. I seem to have a pretty big disconnect from my body. I think I also have one from my "identity".  However I don't really have any clue who I am right this second.  Where that fits into my identity, I have no clue. Here is what I do know.
    I know that I have sexual trauma in my past. I know that I have bullying and emotional abuse in my past. I know that I am scared.  I am terrified. There is not a word big enough for what I am.
    So, what's with the lyrics?  Sometimes I can't find the words, or arrange them to mean what I want to say.  Music helps me to do that.  this song is Called Beautiful.  Its sung by Bethany Dillion.  When I heard it it touched my lost soul. The part of me that remembers what I could have become.  When I say that, I don't really mean a different person/personality.   I mean that deep inside my spirit, my heart, remembers what I felt like before.  My terror started young.  I don't really have many conscience memories of the "first time".  I have always said I died. The real me. That she was murdered. That she became my screamer.  I remember when that happened. Is it a true linear memory, no, probably not. It is vivid though.  The screamer is also clear as glass. I can see her and hear her. Sometimes she gets very loud. Like right now.  She remembers being unique. She remembers having to die. I remember. I remember locking her away. Trying so hard to keep her safe.  I wanted her to go away.  It is her I see in the mirror. 
     Wilkie wants me to do EMDR. I think I have frightened her.  I have said way too much. which is just like me (blah,blah, blah,...) I don't really know.  I wish this would go away. I do not know why it refuses to stay buried. I wish someone could help. I wish. I wish.  Wishing doesn't work.   There is no one coming to save me. They were always right about that.  
     Wilkie asked me. Rissa, after all you have told me, about the illnesses, the abuse, the rapes. Could there possibly be anything worse? She said, maybe this feeling is a shift in thinking. Maybe the long held beliefs that you hold on to are changing.  That would feel very frightening.  It would be a very normal reaction to be apprehensive about being okay.  Damn, skippity, she is right about that. She is so very wrong about the storm that is coming her way.  
     What is coming? I don't know. It is going to be bad though, it feels like it might kill me.  I have said so often that I want to find the pieces of my broken soul that have been scattered like trash. I started with my spirituality. That has been a hard piece to find, it was ripped away so early.  I know now know that god didn't abandon me. In those places he could not enter and the times I had to walk alone he gave me a guardian angel to walk beside me.  He gave me a mind that could take me far away. I do not curse god. I only hope to understand. I know someday I will.  You know, I always hate when people get preachy on Facebook and blogs. However, since I'm pretty sure no body reads this blog.  I suppose I don't care.
   On the medical front, there is not much. The Neuroman says the MRI found white matter disease. He also does not think its causing my symptoms. so pretty much he thinks I'm full of shit. So I am taking a whole ton of meds and writhing in pain most of the time.  However, I can see my first 3 ribs so that is a super bonus.  Now if someone could please explain to me how I can have all the symptoms of autonomic dysfunction, and trigeminal neuralgia, but all of my tests are normal ??????? 
     Dear Lord,  please kill me? Please make this stop. If you can't make it stop please let others see it. I could really use someone on my side.  I could also deal a lot better with all of this if you would please make me 74 lbs. Yes, I know I am insane.  If I can't have any of the good please make this pain visible. Please god, Please help me deal with your will. Let me learn these lessons swiftly.  Please carry this.
     Wow, okay this blog post is so out of control. let's bring it back together and just say this. It has been a really hard week.  I am exhausted.  My screaming soul can not contain it anymore.